


Dig

by yutae127



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 17:58:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10599231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yutae127/pseuds/yutae127
Summary: Yuta is a twenty year old who couldn't get a job and Hansol is just too kind to let him live on his flat and feed him daily.Yuta loves to lie and he wants to believe that Taeyong is just an ethereal creation from his delusions.





	

i'm sure it sucks so i apologize in advance ;-;

 

 

__________________________

 

 

 

 

"Yuta, can you see this!?"

 

He settled the glass of milk on the table with a loud clank, startled, Yuta tried not to spit the liquid on his roommate's shirt. Scratching the sleep off his eyes, he squints at the piece of paper that is being shoved at his face. It was too early to yell and Yuta is certain it's not Hansol's first time seeing a receipt from the groceries either. Unless he won some lottery of sort, then it's worth throwing a party. He scans the paper, amused at the long expensive list. "Wow, we have everything. I don't even have to go outside to get food ------"

 

"Yuta, these are the list of things you didn't buy this week!" Hansol scowls, thrusting the grocery bags on Yuta's chest who squealed in pain. His usual impassive face now replaced with annoyance. "I'll give you two hours to pack your things and find and new flat."

 

Not like Yuta didn't hear it the last week, but he still couldn't laugh at the empty threat, for Hansol might authentically mean it if he does. Taking the grocery bags, Yuta settles them at the counter and examines the crammed edibles inside: canned goods, cereals, carton milk, and peanut butter, like the usual. Hansol wouldn't send a jobless Yuta out of their shared apartment, especially now that his very thoughtful friend earns a lot after getting promoted at work.

 

"Seriously, Yuta. When are you getting a job?" Hansol asked. A daily question that doesn't upset him anymore.

 

Yuta should be saying something logical like getting out of the city for application since he had no luck where they are staying, but he says instead, "When I get to wake up early." Half true because the previous job fairs he'd been, he always came in the last minute and he always finds himself jobless, and crying over his overt irresponsibility. Tomorrow, though, Taeil who had too much pity for a friend like Yuta, promised to pass his application form in case Yuta forgets to wake up early again.

 

"You don't have to wait for another application six months after failing an interview just for....." Sighing, Hansol sat on a chair and pulled out his wallet. Handling Yuta a small envelope. "Just go where Taeyong works. He promised to take care of you, didn't he?"

 

There's no need to rush. Yuta could wait. It'll be worth the wait, Yuta reckons. The plain thought of it puts a smile on his face. Yuta wouldn't admit that he had no interest in working elsewhere, besides, the place where Taeyong worked is packed and Yuta hates crowded placed because it makes him dizzy. But to be polite, he let's his friends assist him on finding a job, but either way Yuta isn't interested in any of them. Silently wishing none of the companies Taeil has passed his applications to would call him, and he'd opt to wait for six months, certain that Hansol will keep him in his flat regardless.

 

The doorbell rang, and Hansol excuses himself to come back to his room before Yuta could rush in to answer the door, reminding him to wear a shirt at the very least. It's not the weekends, so Yuta is surprised of the person that greets him behind the door.

 

"Hey, why are you he---" Yuta was cut. Not conscious at his exposed body at all.

 

"Good morning too, Yuta."

 

Yuta leads them to the couch, making him sit down. The made themselves comfortable, and Yuta lies his head on his lap. It didn't take long until frail fingers are automatically making their way on Yuta's head, massaging his hair in a soothing effect. If not for the need to talk, he'd fall asleep again.

 

"It's ok, you can go back to sleep."

 

As if reading his mind, Yuta looks up to his eyes. Glistening dark orbs are staring back at him, and it's insane, because after all these years, Yuta still couldn't get used to them. "But you just got here." He reasons, though closing his eyes. "Did you take a day off, Taeyong?" Yuta hears a soft hum. "But, why did you?"

 

"Dress up. Come with me to the school. I really don't wanna go there alone."

 

Yuta saw the pout on Taeyong's lips and hold back his laughter, not wanting to mess with him early in the morning, since Taeyong gets easily upset. He'll be all sulky, and Yuta wouldn't want to spend the whole day dealing with that. Standing up, Yuta pulled Taeyong with him to his room, locking the door.

 

It's automatic, his hands making their way to circle on Taeyong's waist, lips always in search for the expanse of Taeyong's neck as he kisses down to his shoulder blades. Taeyong is so pale, and so thin as if he was going to break, and the soothing smell of his skin makes Yuta unable to think. Everything about Taeyong is attractive, and Yuta may have crossed the line for being attracted.

 

"We don't have time for this, Yuta." Taeyong whispers.

 

"Is it because I haven't brush my teeth yet?" Yuta supposes, and let's him go. He notices the way Taeyong is staring at his chest.

 

Yuta doesn't think he has fully awaken yet, but Taeyong's sudden bold hands that grips on the garter of his boxer shorts caught him by surprise, and a warm pair of lips against his. It didn't last a long time, and Taeyong pulls away quickly saying,

 

"Think I'd say yes?" He asked, voice unwavering. There's something apologetic by the way he talks.

 

Upon realizing what just happened, Yuta withdraws from him and steps back. There's a knowing discomfort that surrounds the whole room, and Yuta looks away.

 

Silence.

 

"I... told you, I haven't brush my teeth. I'll go take a shower, wait for me here." Yuta excuses himself. Skin burning at the tension inside his cold room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There's a consistent frown on Taeyong's face that Yuta assumed was from the phone call he received earlier, so he held his hand as they walk together. Relieved that a little smile made it's way on Taeyong's face when he kisses the back of his palm. It's a constant routine between them, Taeyong takes care of him in every way possible, treats Yuta as if he's someone important. Taeyong likes affection, and in return, Yuta embraces him, kisses him, sleeps with him, and cracks all the simple jokes that can make him laugh. It's always been easy to please him.

 

It's special, what the two of them share, because Taeyong is the only person who understand the complexity that is Yuta: a twenty two year old, programming graduate, who likes to slack and can't get a job. While Taeyong is a person with the immense capacity of being patient, forgiving and beautiful, Yuta is the complete contradiction. Sometimes, he wants to get inside Taeyong's head to comprehend his tolerance towards Yuta's being.

 

"Did Jeno do something?" Yuta asked finally, once they're settled inside the taxi.

 

"No.... But I think he's getting bullied." Taeyong's bottom lip protrudes a little, but weakness isn't anything he displays in front of him, or at least nothing he would talk to Yuta about. Because Yuta already memorised his emotions by the simple motion of his eyes. So Yuta never tried to ask about how he feels.

 

"Oh." Yuta gasp. "Isn't he a nice and smart kid?"

 

Nodding, Taeyong looks down at their tangled hands, at Yuta's fingers rubbing soft circles on his palm. A worried expression is written all over his face and Yuta wishes he could erase that, the same way Taeyong can shove away his anxiety when he's the one feeling down. But Yuta lacks comprehensiveness towards him, he lacks in every way possible, and he knows being Taeyong's bestfriend has never been enough.

 

There's a break of silence when Yuta's phone starts buzzing, and he's quick on answering the call when the name flashes on his screen. His heart skipped a beat. He frees Taeyong hand, facing on the other side as he speak to the phone. Yuta is nervous, in a good way that his stomach is filled with butterflies.

 

"He came to the manga store I recommended him, and he got lost." Yuta turn towards Taeyong, touching his shoulder, a habit he does whenever he ask for a permission. Not like Taeyong interdicts him, but Yuta is going to ask anyway. "Sicheng."

 

"I'll go where he is. You should come to the school without me." Yuta tells him, getting up from his seat quickly. It's crazy, the sudden stir of emotion inside him, and the butterflies in his stomach began flapping their wings to the best of his heart. There must be a smile plastered on his face when he looks over Taeyong's direction, and Yuta is waiting for him to say anything.

 

Taeyong looks apathetic when he nods, and he didn't say anything to Yuta, who didn't look back as he ran to the bus driver for a stop. But he's supposed to tell Yuta to take care on his way there, or that it's okay for Yuta to leave and he can go alone to school without him feeling guilty of leaving Taeyong on the spot. Maybe because he had nothing to say, or that it's not okay for Taeyong come to the school alone, or maybe he doesn't want Yuta to leave. But despite these premises, Yuta didn't waver on his steps, knowing Taeyong will forgive him no matter what.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The plaza was packed. Yuta runs around in circle amongst the crowd of people, beads of sweat forms in his forehead and his knees start to hurt running up and down the stairs. But gone in an instant when he sees the tall and thin frame standing by the fountain, and Yuta runs to him in no time, like a weightless metal that's been magnetized. A huge smile must be plastered oddly on his face, because Sicheng returned it with an awkward one. But it only causes Yuta to smile even wider when he sees his crooked teeth, too adorable for Yuta to breathe properly. An uncontrollable heat rushing over his face whenever he sees him.

 

"Did I take too long?" Yuta asked instead, worried that complimenting how good Sicheng looks today might make the younger cognizant, afterall, he's shy and gets embarrassed whenever complimented. Yuta does it a lot and learned through experience that it only makes Sicheng uncomfortable and Yuta simply bites back the words.

 

"I'm sorry, Yuta hyung." Sicheng says, and fidgets with his fingers.

 

Yuta wants to hold his hands, and tells him it doesn't matter, but he decides not to. And a permission he doesn't think he could ask for, not the right time at least. "I told you to drop the hyung." Yuta groans, pretending to be angry.

 

"But that'll be rude for me, and I got used to calling you that. I'm sorry." Sicheng insists, his pretty face shows a kicked puppy expression.

 

There's a consistent look of confusion on Sicheng's face, apologetic even when he doesn't make a mistake. Each time, Yuta wants to protect him, and tell him everything was okay, or maybe even hold him close. Yuta forgets his self comprehension of what's right and what's wrong, because according to his smitten self, Sicheng is always right. "Fine, fine then. If you say so, winwinnie."

 

Sicheng reddens at the nickname, or maybe because Yuta is staring too much at him. "You didn't have to come here, though. I could've ask Kun. But he's probably still sleeping."

 

Yuta wouldn't admit that he's jealous, but he wouldn't hide it either, that it shows on his face. But there's something he wants him to know, "You can ask me. Any time. I'll come for you." That which earned a rewarding smile from Sicheng, and Yuta feels like he won the lottery. Yuta wants Sicheng to depend on him, and to confide on him. If anything, Yuta wants Sicheng to feel the same way for him.

 

"Oh and what were you doing before I called you here, hyung?" Sicheng wonders.

 

"Nothing important." Or he means, not as important as you.

 

If this was any normal circumstances, Yuta would complain how much he hates shopping, or the crowd. But with Sicheng depending on him, asking him about the manga titles even when he hates them, it's easy to feign interested, when the object of his affection is too engrossed on them.

 

 

He watches Sicheng waved goodbye, after thanking him the last time. Every second with him, each of his smiles, Yuta knows he will never get tired of. Simply, because Yuta is in love with him. Sicheng makes him feel all emotions that his heart alone couldn't contain, and he needed a spare one. His friends call him difficult, but Yuta wouldn't agree on that, if it only takes Sicheng's smile to delighten him. Even the littlest attention Sicheng gives him makes his heart flutter. Yuta has never been in love like this, so passionately in love that he doesn't care if Hansol calls him crazy.

 

For Yuta, Sicheng is the comfort of a life he wants to live, the sanity he wants to keep, and the hands he wants to hold. He's the wonderland Yuta wants travel. Yuta doesn't have to laugh at catchphrase "Love at first sight", and he didn't have to look up on the internet what it means, because the first time he sees Sicheng, he's was captured. From the moment he catches him in his eyes, Yuta wouldn't intend to let him go anymore. He could write a song on how much he loves Sicheng. Yuta can write a book of how perfect he is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hansol may be aloof, but he's the type of roommate that listens to whatever Yuta tells him. The proof of him being a contradict tells a lot, or whenever he dismisses Yuta when he start to blabber nonsense about foot ball games to which Hansol shows no interest to. When he finds him on the kitchen, Yuta runs to him immediately. But not to poke fun of his frustrated cook of a roommate this time but Hansol beats him to it by speaking first.

 

"Taeyong texted me. What exactly happened? He said Jeno was being bullied at schoo--"

 

"Oh." Yuta exclaimed. Forgetting the reason why he left the house in the first place, to accompany Taeyong to Jeno's high school. He walks in the kitchen, looking at the dishes Hansol is making. Just then, he realized how hungry he is when he smelled the appetizing scent of beef steak. "I'll call him and ask."

 

"What do you mean, weren't you two together?" Hansol ask with sharp questioning gaze that targets Yuta. He walks towards his direction, holding his gaze as he demands for an answer.

 

A smile crept up on his face, and Yuta knows he's blushing as he recalls today with Sicheng. "Sicheng called me and---"

 

"You left Taeyong." Hansol finishes for him, a supposition that never goes wrong. He sends Yuta a look of pity, that instantly turns into a glare. Hansol shakes his head and walks past him, like it's the most disappointing thing Yuta had ever done worse than failing a job interview.

 

Yuta expected that, and wishes he could read Hansol's mind, why he always disapproves of Yuta's cradle of happiness that is Sicheng. Because unless Hansol tells him a justifiable reason that it's not what he's thinking, then he'll continue believing that, "Why? You think I don't stand a chance? I'm not good enough for Sicheng, is that it?"

 

Like the usual, Hansol ignores this. As if he didn't hear anything and preceded on chopping vegetables on the desk. With careful eyes, Yuta watches him, studying his face but Hansol always wear a stoic expression and there's no way Yuta could understand him unless he speaks. "I wonder if Taeyong is considering Chittapon's marriage proposal for him."

 

"What?" Yuta raised an eyebrow, wondering if he heard him right.

 

"The kid from Thailand at his work place." Hansol explains. "He's a nice guy, and he's rich, too. Taeyong wouldn't have to work his ass off until 2 a.m, he can just quit his job and stay at home if he marries him."

 

"Are you fucking serious?" Yuta asserted, the beef he's been chewing got stuck in his throat, difficult to swallow and it was hard to breathe. "Taeyong is twenty-two! Are they even dating? So what if he's rich? That's not everything about him! Taeyong probably doesn't like him at all!"

 

"Ah, your brain actually works?" Hansol replies right away. His voice was calm unlike Yuta's yelling. "Besides, what do you even know about what goes on inside his mind? What do you know about how Taeyong feels?"

 

Yuta glowers at him, restraining himself to rant at how much he knows Taeyong more, his best friend, unlike Hansol who's just acting like he does. It hurts that his friendship with Taeyong is being questioned. He had to hold back his anger at the wrong choice of words Hansol lets out all the time, because he owes him a lot. After some breathing, he finds what little of composure that is left and explains, "Well he's not going to get married. He's saving money to find a stable job abroad. He has a dream, not to marry some rich guy."

 

Though it seems that Hansol had something more to say, he says a cautious, "If you say so." Turning his back from Yuta and focuses on his cooking, a habit he always do when he wants to dismiss him.

 

Yuta lost his appetite, and he blames the tiny bit of beef that got stuck in his throat for it. So when Hansol calls him out in his room for dinner, he pretends to be asleep. But he's just under the covers, unmoving, and staring blankly on the ceiling. The brightness from the light bulb starts hurting his eyes, and he diverts his gaze on the images plastered on wall above his desk. There were tiny paper sketches that Taeyong drew when he claimed to be a potential artist, a dream he'd given up because Yuta always says he sucks at it.

 

[ »»To: sweeTY ]

taeyong what happened to Jeno?

 

Yuta fell asleep waiting for a reply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Despite being certain of his reasoning, Yuta couldn't help his curiosity, intrigued by what Hansol tells him the other day. So he picks up Taeyong at work. Although it's a simple question, Yuta felt a little conscious and contemplates whether if asking Taeyong would be too prying. Ever since Hansol asked him that question, there's a trail of thoughts he couldn't stop thinking of that made Yuta feel uncertain. "What do you know about how Taeyong feels?" Inside his head, he heard Hansol questions again.

 

Taeyong invites him in his apartment for dinner, but the food they bought from the restaurant is long forgotten when Taeyong pulled him into his room. It's when Yuta was buried in between his legs, moaning his name and begging him for more, when he remembers his intentions.

 

"Why did you stop?" Taeyong asked, breathing heavily. His legs that were wrapped around Yuta's back tightened though his arms that were wrapped around Yuta's back loosens up. He looks weary, not only from their activity, but could be from work too.

 

"What did you say to the guy that proposed to you?" Yuta asked, sliding out of Taeyong. He heard him groan from the emptiness, and Yuta feels needed.

 

"Yuta, I'm tired." Taeyong utters, voice too low.

 

Yuta dwells whether or not he should ask the same question again, but Taeyong has his eyes closed. He must be very tired and fell asleep in an instant. Yuta didn't want to interrupt him any further, and pulled away from the bed, draping a blanket over Taeyong's naked body.

 

Although this isn't the first time Taeyong slept on him during sex, now there's an unwelcome sting of insecurity that stirs his insides. This never happened before. Wishing Hansol never dared to question the inability of Yuta's apprehension towards Taeyong , diminishing his confidence for his existence on Taeyong's life.

 

Yuta didn't intend to watch Taeyong sleep, to the point where he allows himself to memorize every inch of perfection on his Taeyong's face. When he realized what he's doing, Yuta rushed in to the bathroom to finish off and wash. Taeyong probably turned down the proposal, because if he decides to get married out of the blue, Yuta is the first person he will discuss to it about, and not Hansol. Not that Taeyong is keeping secrets from him, but it's most likely not worth telling that's why he didn't speak of it at all.

 

From the shower, Yuta hears a rustle of keys and footsteps outside Taeyong's room and decides to finish off. Making sure he isn't making any noise to avoid stirring into the radar of Taeyong's roommate, Yuta hates him and his itch to intrude between them all the time. When he's sure Taeyong is deep on his sleep, Yuta carefully slides down on the bed beside him, arm stretching out to turn off the dim light the desk lamp placed beside the bed, making the whole room completely dark. It's just the silence, and the sound of Taeyong's breathing along with the heavy thumping of Yuta's chest, and it startles him when an arm was wrapped around his shoulder.

 

"Did you let him fuck you?" Yuta asked directly. It's one of the instances when he forgets to be logical and Taeyong should be used to that by now.

 

"You're thinking too much. And no, I didn't." Taeyong answers, voice not hoarse from his short nap and Yuta doubts he was sleeping at all.

 

"That's good." He mutters right away, voice almost inaudible. Ignoring the feeling of Taeyong's fingers that tickles at his stomach when he hummed.

 

"I'd still come to your aparment on weekends?" Taeyong dares to ask

 

Yuta hesitates whether or not he should answer, and wonders what would it mean if he does. He wonders if Taeyong and him are agreeing on the same think.

 

"You think I only come to you for sex? Yuta, I make sure you eat when Hansol isn't around." Taeyong says, in the most calm and reassuring tone that Yuta wanted to believe him.

 

"You mean you make sure you eat." Yuta whispers, implying something else that he knows Taeyong would understand.

 

"You're so pervert." Taeyong says and Yuta knows he's blushing even in the dark.

 

"You like it."

 

"Yuta, let me sleep."

 

"You wish." Yuta daunts. Removing the covers off of Taeyong's body, quick hands grasping on Taeyong's thighs to fully awaken him, and make him groan. A moan escaped Taeyong's lips when Yuta licks and kisses his navel, the way Yuta does to his hole while kneading his bottom cheeks. Yuta is aware of it's effects on him, the way Taeyong takes relish whenever Yuta explores his body with his tongue. He travels along the trace of Taeyong's ribs, sucking on the pink nub that had Taeyong writhing in pleasure.

 

"Yuta let's not---Jaehyun might hear us." Taeyong grunts, though his hands are gentle on Yuta's hair.

 

"Let him hear us. He can go fuck himself." Yuta enunciates, about to make Taeyong crazy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the end, Yuta ends up doing the thing he wants had to avoid, to stare at Taeyong's attractive face while he sleeps. Yuta hates what he sees, Taeyong's perfection that reminds Yuta of his own imperfections. That even if Yuta sees him everyday, those splendid eyes, he will never get used of them. The way he looks at Yuta alone that could make him shiver by his simple gaze. It's funny that such ideas exist inside Yuta's head, when Taeyong will never even know that his appearance alone can make Yuta feel unworldly senses of intimidation.

 

Yuta blames the gods that carved Taeyong's lips, a ravishing beauty he wouldn't dare to kiss. He hates the scar above Taeyong's cheeks, which reminds him that Taeyong is also a human like Yuta, when all he just wanted to believe is that Taeyong is just an ethereal creation of his delusions, out of reach even when Yuta is holding his hands, even when Yuta has him wrapped around his fingertips.

 

Losing track of the time, Yuta only pulled out of his trance when Taeyong's alarm goes off at five in the morning. He didn't allow Taeyong to open his eyes, hugging him to his chest. He kissed the top of Taeyong's head gently, to make up for the exhaustion he'd cause him last night

 

"What time do you head to work?" Yuta whispers, hugging his body tighter to warm up the cold skin.

 

"Funny you think I can go to work after last night." Taeyong yawns, curling on Yuta's chest for warmth. His naked body is still exposed to the AC.

 

"I drained you that much? Should I make you breakfast, then?" Yuta coos, and everything suddenly feels wrong and he wishes Taeyong would say yes.

 

"Let Jaehyun do it and stay here." Taeyong pleads quietly.

 

"Then I'll do it before he does." Nevertheless, Yuta is standing up. All he wanted was to break away from the embrace he initiated first. It's not the first time Yuta felt so suffocated, or wanted to run away. It might only be in Yuta's head, but even if Taeyong holds him dearly, Yuta is afraid of the danger that awaits him inside Taeyong's embrace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Can't you at least dispose the utensils properly?"

 

Yuta doesn't have to look back to know who the owner of the voice is. Perhaps, he even anticipated such intrusive comment being inside this house, where his presence isn't very delighted by everyone. Though the eggs looks burned and ugly, Yuta preceeds on frying them, cracking another one in hopes for a better result. Neglecting the possibility that he must be an object of laughter by now being watched by a person who finished in such profession.

 

"Good for you I'm not dealing with an eye sore this early." Yuta says, trying not to raise his voice to avoid being heard by Taeyong inside his room. And finally, after another attempt, he was able to get an egg that looks edible.

 

"Stop coming here."

 

Though startled at the boldness of the sentence, Yuta tries not to show it on his face. "Ah, so you've become more confident saying that to my face this time."

 

"This is my house, I have the right to tell you off."

 

"Would Taeyong like your idea, then? Should we ask him?" Yuta responded.

 

"Stop using him Yuta. I don't know what fucking sort of bribing you've done to him but---"

 

"Your mouth needs to rest, Jaehyun." Yuta dismisses, finishing off his task with a cup of coffee. He placed them all in a tray, intentionally circling the table for his shoulder to brush off Jaehyun's who stepped back. Though he knows Jaehyun is standing so much taller than him and most likely a lot stronger if they ever decide to brawl, it's not going to happen for a reason, and that reason is Taeyong.

 

In other words, Jaehyun is left with no choice but to condone to Yuta, if not respect him. But Yuta isn't at all nice, unlike Taeyong, he's ridiculously sordid, and he knows he's gone overboard several times towards Jaehyun without Taeyong's knowledge. Yet, he isn't one bit guilty.

 

"Don't wait for him, he's not going to work today." Yuta reminds him before leaving Jaehyun in the kitchen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I tried my best." Yuta says coyly, placing the test on Taeyong's desk.

 

"Come on, you know I will like it anyway." Taeyong reassures him, sitting up from the bed. Carefully, he took the tray and placed it on his lap. Taking a sip of the coffee Yuta made for him.

 

"If it's so bad, you don't have eat them." Yuta tells him, though a little relieved that Taeyong's face didn't contort in disgust after tasting the coffee.

 

"Yuta, it's just egg." Taeyong laughs, taking a bite. "All eggs taste the same."

 

A matter of factly, it was true and Yuta didn't protest anymore. Since it's the first time Yuta makes breakfast for someone, it's just ordinary to feel nervous and for his palms to become sweaty as he watches Taeyong eats. But since there's a constant smile on Taeyong's face as he indulges on the food that Yuta couldn't help but smile too.

 

"You should cook for me more often." Taeyong proposes, finishing everything in a short period of time that Yuta would like to believe was able to cook it well. He placed the tray on the desk, getting up. "Well, Jaehyun is probably waiting outside."

 

"Nope." Yuta says, pushing Taeyong back to the bed. He took his own shirt off, tongue hungrily sucking the skin on Taeyong's neck.

 

"Y--Yuta." Taeyong moaned, taken by surprise at Yuta's sudden bold and forceful hands that groped at his cock.

 

"Louder." Yuta commands, squeezing at Taeyong's member and using his thumb to play with the the tip. His other hand making it's way on Taeyong's crack to tickle his sore hole. He pushed a finger in, lips curling into a smirk when he could still feel his cum inside Taeyong. "I see, you're holding up well."

 

"Yuta... we can't. Jaehyun might hear us." Taeyong protested, jerking his legs in hopes to send Yuta away. But there's no way he'd make a move to completely push him off, that Yuta knows for sure.

 

"Exactly." Yuta whispers, tongue intentionally brushing at his earlobe. Pushing four fingers at once to breach at Taeyong's hole, curling it inside. Underneath him, Taeyong is a moaning mess, back arching at the sensation Yuta is giving him. Yuta likes him like this, naked and helpless.

 

"Yuta, please." This time, Taeyong begs. Opening his legs further apart for Yuta to take him, face flushed into a bright shade of red.

 

There's no need to be told twice, because Yuta is already taking his pants off. He reached out for the drawers for a pack of lube, spreading a small amount on his cock, his free hand spreading Taeyong ass cheeks apart. It's still red and sore from last night, but Yuta didn't hesitate to push in two fingers another time, scissoring Taeyong. He likes the feeling of the heat when he touches him this way.

 

A loud strangled sob escaped Taeyong's lips when Yuta presses the tip of his cock against his hole, pushing in slowly. He doesn't allow him to adjust, stretching Taeyong in what seems like an uncomfortable manner. He starts to move, pulling out just to push back in an erratic pace. It was a bad decision when he decides to look at Taeyong's face, tears streaming down with eyes closed. Why are you crying? Yuta wanted to ask, he should've asked, but Yuta decides to bite back the question, afraid of what his answer might be.

 

"Turn around." He says instead, tapping Taeyong on the hips to hurry him. And Taeyong complies in an instant, as though he ever had the heart to oppose him. Maybe that's what makes Yuta abusive, because he knows Taeyong will oblige no matter what he says. But maybe because Taeyong loves him, or no, maybe Taeyong pities him, for he also know that Yuta isn't capable of being loved by anyone. Because Yuta is the worst, as he imagines the person underneath him was Sicheng.

 

"Fuck, Yuta!" Taeyong screeched.

 

It's only when Yuta realizes that he'd pushed too hard, balls tapping against Taeyong's. Yet still, Taeyong is rolling his hips back against his. He watches as another drop of tears fell down from Taeyong's eyes down to the pillow. But seeing him like this, only fuels Yuta's lust even more. Taeyong clenches against him and Yuta groans, pounding into him even deeper and faster.

 

"Yuta, I'm going to ---"

 

Taeyong didn't finish his sentence, spilling over the sheets. Yuta pulls out completely and slams back all the way in, his cock pulsing when Taeyong clenches around him again, and Yuta's own orgasm hits him. His cum shooting inside Taeyong's hole who yelps in pleasure. Yuta slows down his pace, hands pressing down on Taeyong's back to make him lie face down on the bed.

 

For a while, they stayed like that, Yuta's hard cock still inside Taeyong's sore hole. Only the sound of them catching breaths can be heard in the room. In a minute, the sound of door slamming from the outside echos inside Taeyong's room.

 

"You know Jaehyun is grossed out when he hears us having sex, you're so mean." Taeyong whispers, breathing heavily.

 

"He can move out, no one's going to stop him." Yuta spits, though he knows Taeyong will only take it as a joke.

 

"He towers over you, aren't you scared?" Taeyong chuckles.

 

"He's just taller, but I'm a lot stronger. I'm not a giant coward like him, I can do everything." Yuta blabbers, closing his eyes.He shifts on the bed so he's pulled out of Taeyong to lie down beside him.

 

"I know one thing you can't do, though."

 

He didn't expect Taeyong to move closer, and Yuta is stunned at the proximity of Taeyong's face against his. A ridiculous emotion that hugs his skin, because he just fucked Taeyong, and he was just inside him, yet this intimacy overwhelms him into an unexplainable extent. Yuta can't kiss him, is what he wants to say, but he knows he wouldn't. Some words are better left unspoken, to not destroy the fragility between them. Yuta doesn't want to kiss anyone he doesn't love.

 

"Taeyong, you know I----" Yuta was cut. And suddenly he forgot what he's going to say hearing the noises outside.

 

"Why do you have to chase me here! Just leave me alone already!"

 

Both Yuta and Taeyong looked at each other at the familiarity of the continual clamorous sounds outside the room.  
"Where you expecting a guess?" Yuta whispers, getting up quickly to dress and Taeyong does the same, twice as fast. Before Taeyong could open the door, he pulled him back to fix his disheveled hair.

 

"Thanks." Taeyong muttered, a faint blush on his cheeks.

 

They have yet to come out the door, but Taeyong is welcomed with a heavy embrace that creates a loud thud that Yuta wonders if it hurts. Though his eyes grew wide at the sight of Jaemin looking at him with a wide, and genuinely questionable beam.

 

"Hyung, he won't stop!" Jeno mewled at Taeyong's chest.

 

Confused, Yuta diverts his gaze back at Jaemin, who's now looking at Jeno with a wider grin that's possible. Yuta wonders if the two kids are actually playing.

 

"The fuck did you come here for." Yuta sprints to him , pinching his ears that had Jaemin groaning and running behind Taeyong's back. This time, though, Jeno run at Yuta's direction to clings at his shoulder. Even if Yuta couldn't process such occurence, it's an obvious display that Jeno is shunning away from Jaemin. Which explains the mocking grin his younger cousin is sporting from the beginning. Though he knows that the two go in the same school, he didn't expect they would have such connection. Judging from how tight Jeno is grasping his shoulder, he's clearly terrified.

 

"Chill. I came here to ask for money from Yuta, and he thinks I chased him." Jaemin explains to Taeyong, possessively hugging at Taeyong's waist, an irksome smirk that he sends at Yuta's direction.

 

If it wasn't illegal to punch a minor, Yuta would do it any time of the day. But with Taeyong and Jeno around, he tried to composed himself and says in an annoyed voice, "Why are you asking money from me I'm not your mother."

 

"How much do you need?" Taeyong placed a hand on Jaemin's head.

 

Even if Yuta expects Taeyong would say something like that, there's a swarm of emotions that clouded his mind. Because not only does Taeyong takes care of him, but he also treats Jaemin in the same manner. It's always amusing to watch, the thought of Taeyong treating Jaemin with a great extent of patience, when Yuta who shares the same flesh with Jaemin couldn't even stand him for two minutes. Yuta couldn't help but believe that Taeyong is truly one of God's greatest creations.

 

"You don't need to give him money, Taeyong." Yuta objects, but with a very low voice. Because suddenly, Taeyong's presence is like of a majesty that Yuta needs to vow down to. The thought had Yuta's head spinning, that he turns his head to Jaemin to avoid further hallucinations. "When I get a job, I'll give you my first salary to shut you up."

 

"Why do you need a job? Aren't you Hansol hyung's maid?"

 

If it was from a different situation, Yuta would've actually punched him, and kicked him even. For that joke went a little too far, but even a Jeno who's acting sulky snorts a laugh, and Yuta feels like crying at Jaemin's impossibility. "Come here you little fuck!" He groans, jumping at the younger to grasp at his nape, manhandling Jaemin away from Taeyong knowing that he will try to stop them.

 

"Ah! Ah! No stop I just!" Jaemin squirms and moves in an attempt to bite at Yuta's arm, but Yuta beats him to it by flicking at his forehead.

 

"Yuta, let him go!" Taeyong yells, but cannot move because Jeno is back to still him in his position.

 

"I just came here to give you this!" Jaemin whimpered, pulling out a small envelope from his chest pocket.

 

"Ah." Yuta utters, taking it in delight.

 

"Auntie sent you money. Damn." Jaemin groaned in pain, tossing his neck backwards. "You didn't have to hurt me."

 

"By the way, did you two came here together?" Taeyong interrupts, walking inbetween the kids before Jaemin could even yank at Jeno's arm. He shoot a glance at the confused Yuta, gesturing his brows that he will explain everything later.

 

"He followed me here!" Jeno answers, scowling at Jaemin.

 

"Why would I follow you?" Jaemin snorts in disbelief, though there's an obvious smirk on his lips.

 

"You did!" Jeno insists.

 

"Jeno, I think he came here to give Yuta's allowance." Taeyong tells Jeno, to which the younger just scowled again. He turned to Jaemin and says, "Jaemin, is that right?"

 

Nodding, Jaemin is now sporting a very sinless expression. Of all things he'd inherit from his older cousin, it has to be him being a substandard. "But I'll take him home though."

 

"No way." Jeno objects, giving a Yuta a look and asking for help. But all he got was a shrug from a puzzled Yuta.

 

"You said he almost got hit by a car once because of bad eyes." Jaemin simpers, sticking his thumbs and index fingers together and bring it to his eyes that clearly implies his mockery on the thick glasses Jeno is wearing.

 

"Then I'll trust you on that, Jaemin." Taeyong smiles at him, a doubtful one.

 

"But hyung---"

 

"No buts, let's go!"

 

Yuta stood there frozen and watches as Jaemin pulled a helpless Jeno on the arm, running out and slamming the door on their faces. Hopeless. Yuta shakes his head, ashamed. Such demeanor Jaemin must've possibly adapted from Yuta's abominable self, growing up with Jaemin's family. He looks at Taeyong, and vaguely mutters, "You shouldn't have agreed that they leave together. Jaemin is...."

 

"No, I trust him. He promised me something." Taeyong sends Yuta a reassuring smile. It's too early to deal with quarreling kids, so is to stomach the stupefying smile Taeyong just sends him. "When I was called to their school, your aunt was there too. Jeno reported Jaemin to the council because he kept on poking fun of him at school."

 

"That bastard!" Yuta groaned in shame.

 

"Jeno didn't want to make up with him, but Jaemin promised he'd keep on trying to be friends him. Although I think it's just him harassing Jeno again." Taeyong let's out an exasperated sigh "But come think of it, isn't that how we became friends? You bullied me in gradeschool."

 

"Why do you have to remind me that?" Yuta groans, palming his face. The memory of his incredulous self calling Taeyong a "shitty four-eyed" is utterly terrifying to recall. Though he'd made it clear to Taeyong that he was sorry and regretted everything, there are times the older would bring that up to make Yuta frustrated.

 

Laughing, Taeyong placed a hand on Yuta's stomach and circles behind to pull Yuta to his chest. "I hope they don't end up like the two of us, though." He whispers.

 

Although Yuta know what he meant by that, the effect it had on Taeyong for him to say it out loud, he couldn't pull himself to be of any consolation. Someday, Taeyong will find someone to love and who will love him in return. By that day, he would be leaving Yuta, and all Yuta would be doing is to watch him leave. "Say, Taeyong, by any chance do you like Jaehyun?"

 

Taeyong pulls away to look at him, a hint of laughter and incredulity written on his face when he answers, "Huh? It's like, me asking if you like Hansol? Do you like Hansol?"

 

Yuta doesn't have to answer that to know that his answer is a no, using only discretion. It's different, Yuta wants to tell him. But it's been awhile since he'd become more careful about what he says to Taeyong. Being aware that doesn't have any rational reason when Taeyong asked him how it's not the same, so he held back his argument. "He's not..... Just not him. Not Jaehyun."

 

"Why?"

 

"I don't like him for you." Yuta looks away, dismissing the topic. Nevertheless how unreasonable it may seem, but it's the truth. Though such illogical conviction from him shouldn't bear any significance, Yuta is certain he wouldn't regret telling Taeyong that. In fact, he was easy to maneuver, withdrawing his questions when Yuta turned his back on him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next thing Yuta hates after his birthday is the time of the year when every building he sees is strung with the blinding lights that changes colors in every blink, trees stuffed with glittery decorations Yuta couldn't make out of. Not only that, but Christmas holidays meant heavy traffic and the crowds would gather up on any commercial buildings, restaurants, and malls that's existed.

 

Another thing Yuta hates are kids, and now he's surrounded with noisy children running in circles inside the supermarket swarming around them. He happened to pick up a toy gun from the kids section, it shoots colorful plastic balls that hardly even hurt, though he expects Taeyong would whine when he shoot him on the face. "Behave." Taeyong tells him, eyes trained on what seemed like grocery list he'd been holding the first time they got there.

 

Yuta expresses his distate in their current situation by sighing heavily, and Taeyong took the cart from him to push it on his own. They're still walking and the aroma of the spices in the food section they passed through is making his stomach flip. He reached his limit when a kid, half his height, accidentally stepped on his newly washed shoes and Yuta tries his best not to swear.

 

"Fuck you!" Yuta fails, and grunts. Reaching down to his shoe to wipe off the dirt. He's lucky Taeyong didn't say anything, but when his eyes found the brat clinging on the cart of what seemed like his mother, too busy checking a baseball cap, Yuta found his chance.

 

The first shoot miss, the second hits the kid on the foot, and the third Yuta makes sure he's aiming on the right angle that hits the child on the forehead, making him cry. Making sure no one had seen him, Yuta hid behind Taeyong's back and threw the toy gun on one of the self, not caring if it would hit badly on the display.

 

"Yuta, what are you doing!" Taeyong wailed, jerking away from the tight grasp of Yuta's hands on his waist that tickles him.

 

"Nothing." Yuta replies quick, leaning to bury his nose on Taeyong's hair. He breathes in the scent of pomegranate, and mutters something even he couldn't understand. "You smell good." He murmured absent-mindedly.

 

Taeyong stopped on his tracks, looking back at him with a raised of a brow.

 

"You smell awful." Yuta whispers. It was a slip of mouth and there's no way Yuta would repeat to tell Taeyong that he smells good.

 

Taeyong ignores the comment, but stares at Yuta's face instead that had him stepping back. "You look handsome." He quips, and offers a playful smile that Yuta wants to erase off his face.

 

It was cold and Yuta's chest starts to explode when he looks to his side and sees the kid he shoot with a toy gun, crying and pointing a finger at him. Yuta is thankful for all the suddenly pretty kiddie caps that was displayed for the mother to notice her child, and ever so quickly, Yuta pushes Taeyong along with the cart. With his back pressed against Yuta's chest and his hands lying atop of Taeyong's hand on the handle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If there's one friend that isn't nosy, apathetic on even keel, it's Johnny. As well as his constrained behavior that mirrors Hansol, except he's more reticent than the other. Though he still supposes that Yuta and Taeyong are his closest friends and invites the two of them to watch a movie at the theaters, his treat. He didn't say anything when the movie starts, when Taeyong draped his leg on Yuta's, and leaning his head on Yuta's arm. Johnny didn't seem to have any say either, but glanced at their interlaced fingers when the movie ended as they walk out of the theater.

 

Noticing this, Yuta pulled away from Taeyong and playfully jumps at Johnny's back to piggyback him. Johnny's tall figure makes it possible to carry Yuta easily, so he didn't squirm or wiggled Yuta out of his body.

 

"Hey, you're no fun. You're supposed to cuss at me." Yuta bit at Johnny's ear, and jumps off him. It's funny that Johnny can't ever swear and Yuta wants to test the foul words that would slip his mouth once he gets all pissy.

 

"That hurts." Johnny groaned, scratching his ear. He turned to Taeyong, sending a signal to ask for help to make Yuta stop.

 

But Taeyong is simply watching them, and there's a twist on his lips that's he's obviously just trying to keep his cool. Yuta fights all his urge to ask him what's wrong, because he's afraid of what his answer might me. No, because Yuta knows the answer, and he doesn't think he could commit to anything that Taeyong might ask of him. Not now, not tomorrow.

 

"Do you guys like ice cream? Should we get ice cream? Ice cream is really nice."

 

The atmosphere became less tense, and Yuta ganced at Taeyong to stiffle his laughter at Johnny's attempt to engage a conversation. Taeyong was smiling a little too when he walks over Johnny and says, "Let's get ice cream. That'll be nice."

 

"What. Your throat is going to hurt." Yuta chides, pinching slightly at Taeyong's side.

 

Of course Yuta was certain that he'd say that. Even if it's entirely stupid to eat ice cream on a winter inside a freezing mall, Taeyong shall still agree to it so Johnny wouldn't feel upset. Taeyong caught his gaze and flashes him a smile that shows his teeth. Yuta's lips tremble, perhaps from the horror of having to eat ice cream on a weather like this.

 

They found a table along the window glass of the ice cream shop. The store facing the wet road that glistens with the bright lights from the tall buildings that surrounds the area. There aren't much cars on the usually busy street, and Yuta is dazed by the colorful umbrellas carried by the people that roamed outside. It's still raining.

 

"I'll have chocolate." Taeyong tells Johnny.

 

"Vanilla for me." Yuta says and Johnny runs for their order.

 

Despite the chilling weather, the shop is still cramped by mostly children and Yuta wonders what delight awaits from eating ice cream and getting tonsilitis afterwards. He didn't noticed his brows curling at the thought, until he felt a warm finger that pokes lightly on his forehead. "Stop frowning, that's not cute."

 

Yuta looks up at him. Taeyong's ears are red, and his cheeks are tinted pink from the cold. Disheveled hair going everywhere but it didn't diminish the quality of his enticing face, in fact, it's an adoring reminder that Taeyong is human too. Perfect didn't exist, yet, there's Taeyong who's more than what the word means.

 

"Hey I'm joking. You're so handsome."

 

It happened too quick, and Yuta doesn't know why he flinched. Could be from the uncanny thoughts he's having right now that he jerked when Taeyong reached out to his cheek. With this reaction, Taeyong immediately retracts his hands and turns his gaze elsewhere. Presumably embarrassed for his actions that creates an awkward atmosphere between them.

 

But nothing wrong happened, and Taeyong shouldn't feel declined for his deed. Yet, Yuta couldn't console him. Too wary to around him that he couldn't consider the possibility that a single word for him could make it all better.

 

The tension disappeared when Johnny came back holding a tray with ice cream cups on them. Yuta's mouth waters at the sight of the sweet that's placed right before him. The vanilla ice cream have white chocolate sprinkles on them, a wafer stick, and caramel syrup that's drizzled on it.

 

"And I thought this was a terrible idea." Yuta admits, diving onto the ice cream and ignores Johnny's questioning look at him.

 

"Is it your first time eating ice cream?" Johnny shakes his head at him.

 

"It's just so good!" Yuta bawls at him. "Try it!" Yuta takes a spoonful of the vanilla ice cream, and reaches over the table. A pang of guilt rushes over him when Taeyong sents him a hesitant look before taking it in his mouth. However, Yuta opens his mouth too, raising his brows to signal Taeyong to do the same. Just when he thought he was devouring the best flavor, the chocolate is another things. It wasn't too sweet like he expects, but probably the most delightful ice cream he'd ever had.

 

"It's good, right?" Taeyong smiles coyly at him.

 

"Yes but don't eat everything. Take care of your throat." Yuta reminds Taeyong.

 

"What do you need Taeyong's throat for?" Johnny asked. There was nonchalance on his face, yet Yuta is still flustered whether or not Johnny is trying to imply anything on that question. "It's not like he's a singer or something." He adds, sipping the last of the ice cream that was left on his cup.

 

And finaly Yuta thinks it's the proper time to shut up and just enjoy his food.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There aren't much people who can tolerate Yuta's persistence aside from Taeyong, but Hansol is one, despite him being gloomy and insulting. So without hesitation, Yuta came barging in Hansol's room, neglecting the fact that the older just came home and resting from work, from which the two of them gets sustenance from. He didn't think twice either, using a pillow to smother to older to have him awake, to which never fails in any way that Yuta finds convenience on doing so.

 

"Yuta! Goddamnit!" Hansol snarled at him.

 

"The guy you mentioned," Yuta starts, taking a careful step to sit on one side of the bed. To his luck, Hansol looks too worn out for a requite. "Taeyong isn't even dating him."

 

"Oh that." Yawning, Hansol sat up. As though the topic greatly picked his interest to which Yuta fears what's coming out of his mouth next. "I think I got confused with names. Perhaps it was Jaehyun who asked Taeyong to marry him, but I can't be sure."

 

To no avail, it was an obvious lie. When Hansol usually isn't a person who immerse into someone else's matter, his ability to prevaricate is cheap and it's easy to read that. However, there's clearly an intention behind it and Yuta wants to know why Hansol is doing that.

 

"How did you know all that?" Yuta asked. The last time he checked, Hansol has no close relation to any of their friends aside from Yuta himself. He doubts Hansol gets to talk with neither Jaehyun or Taeyong over what could be private matters.

 

"I overheard it from a friend. Though I can't believe Jaehyun is still asking Taeyong out despite knowing his affairs with you." Hansol explains and snorts at the thought.

 

"What do you mean by that?" Yuta scoffs, standing up. What lie is Hansol making that he starts to believe it himself?

 

"Nevertheless, it's nice. They'd make a good couple, don't you think?" Hansol supposes, eyes darting on Yuta's owns. He lie back on the bed and tucks himself under the covers. "Well, nevermind. You don't have to answer that. If the subject riles you up so much, you shouldn't have brought it up in the first place. Let me go back to sleep."

 

The subject doesn't rile him up, but it's the way Hansol speaks with a tone that could put anyone on edge. If Yuta didn't owe him too much, Hansol should worry about being punched or degraded, for Yuta can be nasty if he wants to. He muster up all the patience that he has left, and says through gritted teeth, "Yeah, you should go back to sleep."

 

"Anything else you need to say before I do?"

 

Yuta flashes him a one last glare, to warn him maybe, and walks out of the room with a slam on the door. With that, he hopes Hansol gets the message to shut up. Though he doubts he can get himself to hate Hansol, in as much the rent of the floor he's stepping on is paid by him, and the food Yuta ingests on a daily basis is provided by him, it was impossible. Yet that don't mean he can't get angry, and it's an absurd thinking for him to only be swallowing any of Hansol's dissing.

 

The gloomy weather didn't help either, only adding up to the rubbish thoughts that wells up on Yuta's chest. If there's anything Yuta hates the most, it's whenever someone lies to him without a rational intention, and it's obvious Hansol did just that to get on his nerves. Before Yuta could run back inside the room and swung Hansol a punch he deserves, he stiffened at the knock on the door. "Damn it." Yuta muttered under his breath, giving the shoe racks a swift kick to compensate for his unreleased rage.

 

After a few seconds of trying to find his composure, Yuta opens the door, wearing his signature wide toothy smile. His eyes grew wide seeing both Jeno and Taeyong drenched with rain. "What happ--" Yuta bites back the question, that could wait. He opened the door wider, almost stumbling and says, "Come in!"

 

"We didn't have umbrella and got caught up in the rain walking to the station." Taeyong states, taking a seat on the couch with Jeno following suit.

 

He hands Jeno a towel that was resting on the table. Seeing the way Taeyong is clutching his own hands and white at the coldness, Yuta reacted on an impulse and took off the hoodie he was wearing, hitting his newly pierced ear in the process. Yuta bit his tongue at the croak that was coming, tossing the hoodie at Taeyong who looked surprise at his action. "O--okay, that won't do. I'll get something else." He says, running to his room to pick a blanket. Hurriedly rummaging through the drawers to find an unused blanket, sniffing it to make sure it's clean, according to Taeyong standards. And lending him the hoodie he's wearing was a crazy idea to begin with.

 

Literally, Yuta runs outside with a blanket in hand. To his surprise, Taeyong was wearing the hoodie and he snorts at the thought. "You...you don't have to wear that." He whispers, Taeyong looks up at him and he froze. Probably because it's cold and he's now only wearing a shirt with thin fabric.

 

"Hmm?" Taeyong questions, raising a brow to whatever Yuta muttered. The loud sound of the raindrops outside makes it impossible for a whisper to be hear.

 

"I should get you something hot to drink." Yuta says, nodding to himself at the bright idea. Wrapping the blanket around Taeyong shoulders before he heads to the kitchen.

 

It's gotten really cold and Yuta is thankful for the thermos Hansol brought recently, it saves time that he didn't have to boil water at occassions like this, Taeyong freezing to death wouldn't be a sight to see. Just then, he remembers the conversation he had with Taeyong yesterday, "Just not him. Not Jaehyun." He recalls saying. It wasn't a hunch, but an absolute certainty he had in mind since meeting Jaehyun. But now it seemed hilarious that he even had such a thought. He realizes how much of an illogical excuse it's been all along. Jaehyun has a stable job, a car, manners and skills. In fact, he doesn't lack on anything, unlike Yuta who lacks on every coherent structure of what makes a man. He laughs to himself for the put-down that slips out his mouth, to which more suitably should be aimed at him.

 

The whole idea was to not take too long, yet Yuta is too caught up with his own thoughts and he heard footsteps behind him.

 

"I came to check on you." He hears Taeyong says.

 

Yuta is certain his hands were shaking because of the cold, and could be the same reason why he's nervous. "I.. I prepared milk for Jeno. Coffee, for you."

 

"Thank you."

 

His voice was soft and Taeyong took the cup, and his bright smile emits to the whole room. It's so lame for Yuta to be standing still, only watching him, yet he knows everyone else would feel the same, captured, if someone as pretty as Taeyong smiles at them.

 

"It's nice." Taeyong says.

 

This time, Yuta avoided it when Taeyong looks at him, and picks the another cup on the counter. "I made chocolate for Jeno. He hates milk, right?"

 

"You know him well." Taeyong chuckles.

 

"Of course." Yuta agrees, following Taeyong back to the living room."He's a lot like you. Except, more handsome." He jokes, earning a slap on the arm. "Hey, shouldn't you be happy I'm complimenting your little brother?"

 

"Thank you, Yuta hyung." Jeno says, happily taking the cup.

 

"Jeno, it seems your brother here couldn't accept the fact you're more handsome than he is." Yuta playfully whispers to Jeno, though loud enough for Taeyong to hear.

 

"Yuta I swear." Taeyong warns, an obvious empty threat. Though his eyebrows make it look like he's always angry, his angelic face makes up for it, and knowing him for a long time, Taeyong can't even kill a bug.

 

"But you use the word pretty on him all the time." Jeno clarifies.

 

Taken a back by the response, Yuta glances at Taeyong's side, a hint of red on his cheeks that was probably from the warmth of the cup he's holding close to his face. What was he worried about? It's not like Jeno have any idea of what they do behind close doors.

 

"Jaemin calls every girls that at school." Jeno tells him.

 

"Well, would you look at that. He's a lot like his cousin." Taeyong chides in, looking at Yuta and laughing.

 

"I think Jaemin has five girlfriends or something." Jeno adds.

 

Taeyong laughs again, and says, "He's no much for Yuta, then. In gradeschool, he has like a hundred or more."

 

"Hey that's...." Yuta watches the way Taeyong laughs, his eyes turning to crescents and the sound of his laughter rings to his ears. Taeyong talks about him so unwarily, and Yuta reddens in embarrassment. "That's not true. It's not my fault all the girls want me!" He defends, as though it was going to make any sense.

 

"That's something Jaemin would say, too." Jeno says, shifting on his seat to distant from Yuta who's sitting beside him.

 

"I see, you like talking behind his back." Yuta faced the younger, feigning spleen.

 

"Well he'd call me nerd on my face, a lot, in front of everybody. Talking behind his back wouldn't recompense one bit on that. " Jeno explains.

 

"You're still talking behind his back!" Yuta accuses.

 

"It's not like we're friends."

 

Sighing, Yuta accepts defeat that there's no way he can argue against a top student in class. The siblings, drenched in rain he helped just awhile back now braced together to bully him, what a turn out of events. As much as he'd want to strangle the life out of Jeno, he restrained himself having Taeyong around. He doesn't know anything of Jaemin's hidden agenda but judging from the way Jeno speaks about him, Yuta is certain there's a problem between those two. Although Taeyong never confronted him about that, he'd like to have a word with Jaemin. Because while Yuta is merciless, Taeyong is too unforgiving.

 

"That's enough, Jeno. You're putting Jaemin into trouble at that." Taeyong says finally after a long silence, to which the younger nods. He winked at Yuta, signaling him to stop talking too.

 

Yuta swore his face turns to another level shade of red, from what could be losing on an argument to a kid. "I hate children." He mutters, face palming.

 

From his seat, Taeyong stand up and placed a hand on Yuta's shoulder, which lingers long that had his breath hitch at the touch. Yuta avoids Taeyong's gaze when the older tells him, "Thanks for the drink. We should head home before it rains again."

 

Yuta tries to make himself aware of the surrounding and looks around, as though he could see the condition outside through the walls. "Oh yeah, it stopped raining." He muttered mindlessly and stands up.

 

"And before I forget, I should give this back to you." Taeyong shifts to takes off the hoodie, which causes his shirt to went up to his chest which he fixes immediately.

 

It could've been due to the dimmed room, that the paleness of the expanse of Taeyong's stomach had caught his attention that had him staring on his now clothed torso. Yuta didn't miss the marks on Taeyong's delicate skin that he knows was from his doing and Yuta felt his face heat up, an uninvited reaction because Yuta had taste him, touched every inches of his skin that Yuta need not to feel abashed to think about their intimacy.

 

"Yuta." Taeyong calls again, and gently thrusted the hoodie on Taeyong's chest.

 

"Yeah but..you..." Yuta blinks at him, his mind thrown off from the thoughts he was having just now. And Taeyong is looking at him with expectant eyes, waiting for him to speak and Yuta stepped back from his gaze, his eyes fell on the drawer above the shoe racks and he dashed there quickly and rummages for umbrellas he hands the siblings immediately. "Here, take them just in case. Hansol has a lot of them. He's forgetful and always leave his umbrella at home whenever the sky decides to rain because God hates him. He always ends up buying at the convenient store. Now he have at least twenty of them, He's probably collecting umbrellas or something."

 

Chuckling, Taeyong hits Yuta on the chest. "I know what's next, you'd call him a weirdo."

 

"I didn't say that, you did. I never even thought of that!" Yuta feigns innocence, raising his hands in defense.

 

"What were you thinking, then?" Taeyong inquires.

 

"Your face." Yuta replies, unaware of the backwash of his actions towards their current situtation.

 

"Aren't you cute?" Taeyong says after a long pause.

 

"Well, aren't you pretty?" Yuta unmindfully retorts, his hands even reaching up to Taeyong's cheeks. There's a knowing gaze Taeyong sent him, and when Yuta looks at Jeno's side, and he realizes the boy was quietly watching them. Immediately, he retracts his hands. Opting to scratch the back of his head instead. What is Yuta doing? Normally, he's the most cognizant on how he should act around Taeyong whenever anyone is around, heedful of the secrets that's meant to be hidden, to avoid any more complication of the intricacies their in now.

 

"We'll go, Yuta hyung." Jeno waves at him.

 

Taeyong gave him a one last smile, before exiting the door and Yuta watches them leave. Yuta remained frozen, eyes trained at the door, and he crouched down, burying his face on his hand, "What the fuck, Yuta?" He grunts to himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[»»To Taeil: ]

i'm so sad Hansol hates me

 

[«« From Taeil : ]

What do you want me to do?????? I'm at work.

 

[»» To Taeil : ]

bring sicheng to me T.T

 

[«« From Taeil: ]

What??? And what are you going to do with him??

 

[»» To Taeil: ]

kiss him or something. idk, maybe take him from behind?

 

[««From Taeil: ]

WHAT THE FUCK YUTA? You're not serious are you

 

[»» To Taeil: ]

i just want him so baaaaaad but i'm too embarrassed to text him first

 

[«« From Taeil: ]

Well you should be! Don't you have Taeyong?

 

[»» To Taeil: ]

what??

 

[«« From Taeil: ]

Go bother him not me

 

For the moment, Yuta felt his lungs tighten. Of course he had misinterpreted Taeil's message, he meant to say Yuta should be bothering Taeyong instead and not someone at work like he is. Though that afternoon, Yuta fell asleep staring blankly at the ceiling, sleeping through the exasperating thoughts that lingers in his head. Hansol is responsible for all this, and Yuta swore they aren't done yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One afternoon when they were having a drink at Taeil's apartment, Yuta followed him to the kitchen and help him prepared the snacks. His main purpose though, was to turn off the loud music booming the area from the speaker inside Taeil's room, loud surroudings is definitely one of his pet peeves. When he succeeded on slipping in and successfully turning it off, Taeil gave him a look and Yuta replies with just a smile. Yuta is lucky Taeil just shrugged it off, instead of interrogating him with questions, Taeil has a thing for asking things.

 

Yuta is just being extra cautious, knowing Taeil would most likely catechize him from their texts the other day. Too bad Yuta was too out of it that day, and his desperation for Sicheng had caused him to even message Taeil his feelings. From the way Taeil gazes at him with judging eyes, Yuta wishes he could take that back. It's not like it was a secret that he likes Sicheng, but if they have expected Yuta's affection to be entirely innocent and sincere, then Taeil is bothered for sure. In any case, he could elaborate how much he aspires to be the best person there is for Sicheng, and with no dirty intentions. For it was easy to convince and to believe his own self. Even if Taeil would call him defensive, Yuta wants him to know how much he means well.

 

"About---" Yuta was cut.

 

"So, it's Jaehyun and Taeyong together?"

 

"Huh?" Yuta muttered, raising a brow at the question. He followed Taeil's gaze to the table in the living room and sees Taeyong resting his head on Jaehyun's shoulder. "He's just sick. Why the fuck would they be together?" He chides, surprising himself at how defensive it sounded.

 

Taeil looks up at him, only staring and not seem to have a remark. "We ran out of chicken feet, thanks to you."

 

Yuta went back to the table, when he realizes Taeil wasn't doing anything but only pretending so, probably to avoid drinking too much. If Taeil's distraction is elsewhere from the last messaging conversation they had, then Yuta worried over nothing. He ignores the hand Taeyong placed on his knee, eyes trained on whatever Sicheng was saying. He was talking comically with Jaehyun, but it was Jaehyun, and Yuta wouldn't admit or try to show that he's jealous. Ever since Yuta stepped a foot inside Taeil's apartment, Yuta tries to shake it off when Sicheng greeted Jaehyun first, and Taeil who opened the door for them sent him a knowing look. Still, it didn't make up for it when Sicheng greeted him with a hug.

 

In all actuality, Yuta is has been schooling a pleased expression, not wanting to show the tingling jealousy that saunters around his chest, making it hard to breathe. He wants to leave the place, but he has no proper excuse to do so. If he waits, maybe Sicheng will notice and talk to him too.

 

He glances on Jaehyun's direction, and he sees the way his hand are wrapped behind Taeyong's back, fingers tapping on his side. Taeyong shifts on his seat, and leans in closer to completely rest his weight on Jaehyun who laughed and takes away the shot glass Taeyong was about to drink. Sicheng was still talking. He plays with his cup, tapping it's mouth and staring blankly at what looked like a small nacho chip that fell on the table. It wasn't interesting, but fairly more interesting than whatever it is Jaehyun and Sicheng are talking about. If Yuta had known this was going to happen, he shouldn't have came here.

 

"Yuta hyung, would you like another drink?"

 

His heart flutters, by the confused expression Sicheng sends him after the little rejection when Yuta vehemently shakes his head. He was just thinking of fleeing out of the place, because it hurts when the person he came there for isn't paying all his attention to him. He believed it wasn't too much to ask for, it wouldn't be difficult for Sicheng to talk to him for hours, focus his attention on him, if he has Sicheng in his head the whole time.

 

""Ah--- I'm good." Yuta smiles at him. Though he'd like to drink more, he wouldn't want to be drunk and trouble everyone like the last time. To which he ends up regretting, embarrassed at Sicheng seeing him in such a state, when he was sober on the next morning.

 

"How good?" Sicheng asked, sending a playful smile at him. Cackling, Yuta threw a piece of malteser at him that he caught in one hand, and eats it. "Hey don't waste good food!"

 

"I'm not wasting them, I'm feeding your lonely stomach. Now stop drinking and just eat." Yuta tells him, reaching out to place another piece of malteser on Winwin's mouth to which the younger gladly took. He swore it wasn't intentional, when his index finger brushed against the bottom of Sicheng's lips, yet it made his body shiver. What would it feel like to kiss him? Yuta wonders. Yuta felt his palms sweats when Sicheng opened his mouth again, and Yuta tries not to topple on the table, when he reached out yet again. This time, he deliberately pulls his hand slower, his fingertip brushing yet again on Sicheng's lip. Maybe, Taeil was right after all.

 

He looks over at Sicheng, his expression was nonchalant as he chew on his food. Perhaps the initiation didn't have much effects on him as much as it had on Yuta.

 

"My turn!"

 

Yuta had no time to process it when he hears Sicheng's announcement, and the younger was quick on standing up and darts the ball of malteser inside Yuta's mouth, making him choke. Yuta coughs, clutching at his chest.

 

"Oh my god Yuta hyung, are you okay?"

 

There's a tinge of worry when Sicheng asked that question, and that was too important to Yuta, so he dared to say no even when he's mindful of Taeil coming back to the table and taking a seat beside Sicheng, he coughs even more.

 

"Yuta hyung, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Sicheng panics, lending him a glass of water.

 

Overwhelmed even with the slightest of attention Sicheng gives him, Yuta was subconsciously gripping the joint of Taeyong's knee under the table when he drinks the water, until the latter jerks a little. The squeeze probably tickled him.

 

He pulled his hand away when he saw the discomfort that was painted on Taeyong's face. "Oh--I'm sorry." Yuta whispers, feeling ashamed at his action. Though Taeyong sends him a smile that seemed forced, Yuta returns it with a huge beam.

 

"Taeyong, do you wanna leave?"

 

Yuta heard Jaehyun asked, and glanced on his direction. For a moment, their eyes met, and Yuta diverted his gaze on Taeyong, eyebrows furrowing in question. Why would Taeyong want to leave? If it's about him being quiet all this time, it's because he's sick and tipsy, and knowing Taeyong, he'd be opting to be silent to avoid making mistakes. As much as he'd want to argue about it being a ridiculous question, Yuta wouldn't want Sicheng to see him in a heated conversation with Jaehyun, which happens too often to the point where Yuta gets pressured to say things he didn't want to. Perhaps, he expected Taeyong to shake his head and say no, but Taeyong was just staring at Jaehyun as if that was the answer to his question.

 

There's a pang of conscience, and Yuta should've listened to Taeyong when he said he wasn't feeling well and shouldn't have asked him for company. Taeil invited everyone for a drink and pizza, and Yuta was eager when he found out Sicheng was joining too. He heard Jaehyun's disapproval that Taeyong need not to come, but Yuta felt triumphant when Taeyong assures Yuta that he's going.

 

"Taeil hyung, I'm not drunk." Sicheng giggles, hitting the older in the arm.

 

If Yuta knows Taeil isn't interested in guys, he'd be jealous. But he laughs when Sicheng caught him staring, to redeem himself. "I told you not to drink much, look how red your face is."

 

"I look that ridiculous?" Sicheng gasp, covering his face with his palms. A habit he does when he's embarrassed. It's just one of his behavior that Yuta memorized, but his favorite would be whenever Sicheng flutters his eyelashes when he's delighted, or when he learned something new. The very reason why Yuta takes advantage of his ethnicity, for Sicheng is fond of Japanese animations, often times tutoring him with both Korean and Japanese language.

 

"Ridiculously handsome." Yuta says, a matter of factly. His devotion to Sicheng wasn't a secret, and perhaps Sicheng knows it too.

 

"Even more handsome than Taeyong hyung?" Sicheng prompts, so innocent that bears no intention of it to sound harsh. In fact, he'd dreamily compliment the older a dozen of times, and with Taeyong being his standard of handsome.

 

"Jaehyun, let's go home." Taeyong says, finally. He stood up and looks at Yuta, asking, "Are you staying?"

 

He fell in silence, sporting the most calm expression he can show to Taeyong. It wasn't a difficult question at all, but Yuta finds it hard to response, and staring back at Taeyong isn't the answer for that question either. "I..."

 

"You can stay." Taeyong whispers, picking up his things at the table. He's certainly having a hard time, being sick. But Yuta knows more than that, yet he couldn't ask Yuta to leave with him. But still, he'd let Yuta stay, aware that Yuta wanted to, and even sends him a smile. It's just one of his perfect qualities, so Yuta wouldn't feel guilty about asking him here.

 

"Leaving already?" Taeil asked when Jaehyun stood up too.

 

"I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well." Taeyong says. Sending Yuta a final glance before leaving the table with Jaehyun and they watches them leave.

 

Though Taeyong doesn't look like he's angry at Yuta at all, it still felt like a slap on the face, the knowing glance Jaehyun shoots him when they walk out the door, which influences him to feel even guiltier. An endless challenge lives on between him and Jaehyun, and he thinks today, that it ended. Yuta doesn't know what it was, but a hunch that maybe, there are places and people he should stop getting involved with. Maybe a limit, and a claimed possessions he needs to let go of, which is Taeyong.

 

After a few minutes of silence, Sicheng is the first one to speak. "Taeyong is the one who's ridiculously handsome, even when he's sick." Sicheng concludes, with a dramatic sigh. "Why don't you ask him to be your boyfriend, Yuta hyung?"

 

"Are you crazy?!" Yuta retorts quick, staring at Sicheng in disbelief. For a brief moment, Yuta was stunned. He didn't think Sicheng would conclude the matter, the unimaginable that even Yuta avoids to think about. "You're drunk, you're really drunk. Let's get you home."

 

"Wow." There's a knowing expression of incredulity on Taeil's face, that he would carry on with that topic and poke fun of Yuta if Sicheng wasn't around.

 

Unsure of what Taeil would or would not be saying, he took the safe side, grabbing Sicheng on the arm and pulling him up. Though Sicheng is taller than him, he was able to manhandle him outside of Taeil's apartment. And they were close, so close that Yuta could feel his face reddened. Sicheng is holding on his arm for balance, head slightly leaning against his shoulder.

 

"I'm not drunk, Yuta hyung."

 

"I'm still taking you home." Yuta insists, one arm snaking at Sicheng's back to hold his waist. Though they've never been this intimate, he can't change the human nature of self control, for his attraction to Sicheng is invariably out of hand.

 

"You're really nice, hyung."

 

Laughing, Yuta pulls him closer, feeling the warmth of Sicheng's body that filled his stomach with butterflies. The ideology: heaven by yourside, may be real afterall. "I sure am."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh hey, mother of ditch." Yuta heads straight to the kitchen the next morning when he sees Hansol, who worked on a night shift, his way of greeting the older only to enjoy his complaints of Yuta's impoliteness.

 

"I have work, and it's not like Taeil going to pay me for being drunk." Hansol quips, washing his hands and whisking it on Yuta's face. "Nothing a jobless person like you would understand."

 

"Wait till I get a job, I'll buy you some friends." Yuta retaliates quick, as someone who'd witness the older's agony several times, the fail attempts of Hansol to conceal his introversion.

 

"What job? Blow job?" Hansol concludes.

 

"Eh, funny." Yuta hurls back, though he wants to protest at the foul language but he isn't one to lecture at that.

 

"Who's there?" Hansol asked. Expect him to be overtly worried of the amount of people on his surroundings. Hansol confesses to Yuta once that he feels uncomfortable whenever he's surrounded with people.

 

"Sicheng. Jaehyun. And Taeyong too." Yuta answers.

 

"Taeyong?" Hansol ask turning towards him, there's an obvious scowl on his face. When Yuta nods, he turns the stove off. Leaving the chore and giving his complete attention on Yuta. "I can't believe it."

 

"Huh?" He raised a brow.

 

"Yuta, what are you doing?" Hansol asked, crossing his arms on his chest.

 

"What?" Yuta steps back. It's not always that Hansol can manage to look intimidating, when in fact he's one of the nicest person that Yuta knows, but it seemed that he's about the throw a fit at this moment.

 

"What have you been doing tagging Taeyong along with you when Sicheng was there, don't you care about how he feels?"

 

"What the fuck are you saying?" Yuta replies, perplexed at the change of Hansol's tone. It's not the first time Hansol is engaging him on a type of conversation that gets to his nerves.

 

"Who do you think you are making him feel miserable all these time? As if using him isn't enough!" Hansol glowers, eyeing down at Yuta as he towers over him.

 

"E--excuse me? Hansol, fucking get your shit together." Yuta laughs, because if Hansol is joking, it's going too far with his choice of words.

 

"No, Yuta. You get your shit together. You know Taeyong loves you more than anyone. You know he fucking loves you, Yuta. But your sad excuse of a brain never considered that. Cause you're too busy liking someone else while crushing Taeyong's heart, you're the worst." Hansol chides, walking behind the table and placed his palms flat at the surface.

 

"Have you gone nuts?" Yuta managed to retaliate, catching on that Hansol isn't actually joking. Where all this word vomit coming from, Yuta would want to know, what this irrational argument Hansol always try to occupy him to. Perhaps Yuta could comprehend a little what he meant, or maybe fully, but Yuta is Yuta and he's going to feign innocence. "Can you shut up now?"

 

"Why? Does it make you feel guilty? You don't wanna hear it? I did hit a nerve didn't I? You hate hearing the truth, don't you?" Hansol supposes, talking too fast. It's obvious, that it was his intention to make Yuta uncomfortable. From how he speaks confidently, it's not just to disorient Yuta, but to make him feel guilty.

 

If that's all Hansol is asking for, Yuta would be capable of writing a book of how much he feels sorry for Taeyong. But Yuta is too stupid to apologize, and he wouldn't do that. The influence was heavy, for Yuta has so much trust in Hansol that it seemed impossible for him to wrong Yuta despite his attempts before that Yuta always take as a joke. Yet, he's the first one to condemn him. There's a rush of emotions, and Yuta felt like he was stabbed in the chest. Hansol should've seen through that already, from the first time he spoke, the aghast expression Yuta has given him. He should've stopped the moment Yuta's voice cracked.

 

"When did you become so nosy?" Yuta whispers, mind unclear of their dispute. The immensity of the words Hansol spits to chastise Yuta kept on taking his unawares. "And who do you think you are to know how Taeyong feels?!"

 

"You're so easy to read, Yuta. You keep Taeyong with you, because you need him. And what did you told me before? You only like his appearance and nothing more? Taking your lust on him and ignoring his pain because Sicheng--" Hansol rants again, this time, more forthright. His eyes are still trained on Yuta, a clear purpose of obliterating all of Yuta's pride he had left within him.

 

"Stop it! Leave Sicheng out of this!" He screams, and regrets how much it sounded like a plead.

 

"I see, you like him that much. But that's not reason enough for you to hurt Taeyong." Hansol confirms, but with a low voice this time. "Yuta, he's done so much for you."

 

"It's not my fault that he likes me so much! And if I can't love him, that's his problem. Not yours! Not Sicheng's!"

 

Hansol looks away from Yuta, letting out an exasperated sigh that was intend for him to hear, and to interpret. "I just... can't believe it. Stop being so selfish, Yuta. Don't make Taeyong suffer like that, he'd love you since we're in high school. Don't you think it's the right time you talk---"

 

Yuta had enough, walking out of the kitchen to dismiss Hansol.

 

 

He lies flat on the floor of his room, ignoring the coldness that kisses his skin. It was nothing compared to what Yuta is feeling right now. There was so much to think about, too much that it all became a blur inside Yuta's mind that he starts to feel lightheaded.

 

Yuta didn't think he would come to the point where he'd would voice it out, but not to the the subject of the matter at the very least.

 

 

Yuta doesn't know what else is important, so he ignored the ringing of his phone. Non-stop, until it bothered him too much and throwing his phone to silence it wouldn't solve anything either. When he swipes to the screen, it was Johnny calling.

 

"Yuta, can you pick Taeyong up at my apartment? He's wasted. And injured."

 

He didn't have time to contemplate, or understand the situation. But his body is acting on his own, and he finds himself running outside of the asphyxiating apartment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Wh--what happened?!" Yuta runs inside immediately when Johnny steps aside to let him in. There, he saw Taeyong lying on the couch, asleep.

 

"Thank God, he'd stop." Johnny says, following Yuta to the living room. He points at the scattered objects on the floor. "I thought he'd intend to break my house."

 

"What did you do to him?!" Yuta accuses, scurrying to Taeyong and kneeling beside him. Yuta uses his fingers to trace the line of small blood that runs along Taeyong's lips. He noticed the bags under his eyes, and Taeyong reeks of alcohol too.

 

"Me? Oh I helped him calm down." Johnny replies, and walks to the shelf to fix the what looked like a broken small aquarium.

 

"He can't drink too much! You, of all people, should know that!" Yuta scowls at Johnny. He was Taeyong's classmate and roommate in college, having more experience than Yuta of the hardship of dealing with a drunk Taeyong.

 

"Wait, me?" Johnny protested. "Actually, I was sleeping and he came here knocking. I only opened it because I thought it was pizza, but turns out it was him, drunk, and he broke everything."

 

Yuta let's out an exasperated sigh, still unable to grasp the situation. Why would Taeyong go out drinking and barged in to Johnny's flat that's at least thirty minutes away from his home at ten o'clock in the morning? That doesn't make sense.

 

"Just stop yelling, if he wakes up he might break everything again." Johnny reminds him and sauntered into the kitchen, bits of broken glasses in hands.

 

Yuta absent-mindedly nodded, and looks at Taeyong. He uses his fingers to brush away the hair on Taeyong's forehead, careful not to wake him up. He shifts on the couch, and Yuta sees his hands, red and there more scratches of blood. "Just...what happened to you?" He whispers, unaware of the tears that falls on his cheeks. Mirroring Taeyong's own, he wonders if Taeyong could hear him.

 

Yuta stand up and steps away, for he won't be able to mask the overwhelming emotions that written on his face, in case Taeyong decides to opens his eyes and ask him why. He covers his mouth to muffle the sob that was about to escape his lips, not wanting Johnny to see him in such a state either. Until there was a loud bang on the door and he sees Jaehyun bursting inside.

 

"What happ---" Jaehyun wasn't able to complete the question when his eyes find Taeyong on the couch.

 

"Oh, thank god you came." Johnny looks contented upon Jaehyun's arrival, and he sighs a relieved sigh.

 

"Wh---what?" Yuta couldn't stop his mouth from asking, offended at that. "Why do you have to call him when I'm already here?!"

 

The way Jaehyun looks at him holds no intent of challenge, that had Yuta biting his tongue to silence himself. "He's my roommate, and I brought my car I can take him home."

 

Still, that didn't stop Yuta from feeling derogated.Jaehyun already gave him a answer to his question. Maybe the battle is only in Yuta's head, afterall. Suddenly, Yuta felt worthless when he watches Jaehyun effortlessly lift Taeyong from the couch. Something he wouldn't be able to do, because Taeyong is just his size and it would be difficult to carry someone as heavy as he is.

 

"Yuta, I'll drive. It'll be dangerous if I make him lie on the backseat alone."

 

Another tear escaped Yuta's eyes, and he still nods. This time, he caught himself listening. But Yuta still frozes on his spot on the room when he watches Jaehyun carries Taeyong out of the room. Taeyong was the only person who makes Yuta feel that he isn't worthless, and it's only now that he learns how painful it was. Is this how he'd made Taeyong feel all along? He was pulled out of his trance when Johnny speaks.

 

"Yuta, what happened?"

 

Yuta looks at him, unable to speak. Because that, he didn't know the answer of. He doesn't know what to say anymore.

 

Johnny exhaled loudly, and walks over him. "Yuta, I think he overheard you speaking with someone. That's I could make out of what he's saying earlier, if I was right. He kept on crying, and saying you don't love him. What exactly happened?"

 

In the end, Hansol was right. Yuta should feel guilty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The whole ride was quiet, with Taeyong's head rested on his lap. Jaehyun wasn't saying anything either, not even asking why Yuta was tearing up. He runs his hand on Taeyong's hair, his vision blury from the tears that wouldn't stop escaping.

 

Yuta insist to stay inside Taeyong's room. Although it's already been made clear to him that there's nothing he can do, nothing he's capable of. Then he could at least stay beside Taeyong for a while. "I may not be needed here, but at least let me stay until he wakes up." He tells him, but Jaehyun didn't say anything and walks out of the room.

 

 

Yuta is afraid of being hurt, that's why when he sees the hurt on Taeyong's face, he turned the lights off. Terrified that just the sight of Taeyong's face could make him feel even guiltier. If Taeyong wakes up, Yuta is still blank and he doesn't know what he'd say and do. So when there's a shift on the bed on the dimly lit room, and he hears Taeyong whispers a "Yuta?" He didn't hesitate on catching Taeyong's lips on his.

 

Yuta kisses Taeyong like he meant it, or maybe he really did, until he moans. The sound Taeyong makes is echoing inside his head, cutting the thread between them. He hovers above him and grips at his shoulders to feel him, but this time, Taeyong wasn't warm. So Yuta pulls him closer, but retracts his fingers that traces Taeyong stomach, burning at the coldness of his skin.

 

Numbness takes over Yuta, when Taeyong pulls away and mumurs his name that shoot straight through his heart. Yuta takes his hand, interlacing their fingers together, and it felt like the first time because Taeyong didn't hold him. But Yuta kisses him again, and Yuta trembles another time because Taeyong still tastes like blood stains and rejection, shattered and hollow. All Yuta's mental functions falters, and Yuta forgets how much Taeyong loves him.

 

"Yuta."

 

He freezes on his spot, and looks below to see his own tears that dropped on the bridge on Taeyong's nose that travels down the corner of his eyes. Yuta gave up all his compulsion to wipe them away, because Taeyong looks so broken, that he might fall apart if he touches him again. It was suffocating, the strong fear that's wrapped around his throat, that Taeyong might disappear if he blinks even for just a second.

 

"I'm so...sorry." Yuta murmurs, closing his eyes. The words didn't taste like a lie in his mouth, and Yuta couldn't recall any moment the last time he'd been honest to himself. Despite the heavy thumping of his heart, Yuta is ready to face the consequences: the pain, the loss, and his self value. "I'm sorry." Yuta says again, and his voice didn't waver this time. All too late, and Yuta is aware that they've gotten to the point where Taeyong doesn't believe him. The venom of his selfishness had gotten to Taeyong's brain too, because Yuta is a liar, that even his own couldn't pinpoint if he's telling the truth or not. Yuta doesn't expect forgiveness, knowing it would hurt him more.

 

Slowly, Yuta pulls away from Taeyong, and leaves the bed completely. There wasn't a hand to stop him, or to hold him to his place. With every step he takes to leave the room, feels like eternity, and Yuta tries not to fall on his feet.

 

A part of him wishes Taeyong would ask him to stay, like he always request of him when it's the two of them together, and Yuta had lost to count how many times that he didn't. Another part of him wishes Taeyong will let him go, because any word from him can make Yuta come running back. But it will only be another mistake.

 

Silence prickles at Yuta's chest, and he didn't attempt to look back until he's at the door step, and Yuta knew it was all over.

 

The only was Yuta could stop hurting Taeyong is if he disappears from his life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I can't believe you still touch him at that condition. You're really imposible."

 

Yuta felt his back hit the hard wall, but it didn't hurt at all. It didn't hurt either when Jaehyun clutches at the collar of his shirt, too fed up with all his mistakes. In fact, he wants Jaehyun to hit him, because that's what he deserves. But Yuta is too weak to speak, and yet the hands that holds him like an animal lets go immediately. Initially, he would defend that himself, and it's the first time that Yuta didn't.

 

"It's just me and Hansol right? Who knows about th--- Do you want Sicheng to know too?!"

 

Sicheng. Yuta repeats the name in his head, the personification of sanity, completely and safety that Yuta wants to keep. But it wasn't enough to put out the flame that burns in his heart. He didn't push Jaehyun to the wall, or shove him back, and instead tells him, "You don't have to worry. I'm not coming back here anymore."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Despite all the bullshit Yuta put him through, Hansol still catches him when Yuta almost stumble entering the door of their apartment. It's frustrating, because Yuta is still wasn't alone when he supposed to be, deserved to be.

 

"I fucked up." Yuta mumbles on Hansol's chest, staining his dress shirt.

 

"When did you not fuck up?"

 

"I swear, this time, I really did fuck up."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yuta is lost in his own world, from the annoying blinding lights that swirls around the club, or the blaring music that excessively jabs at his ears. Or maybe Yuta is too drunk, that he didn't have time to think about it when a girl in red dress had pulled him in for a kiss. Yuta kisses her back, desperate for warmth and attention. The curves of her body isn't what Yuta is used to touching, but he still went on and dives him for more.

 

The next thing he knows, Yuta wakes up with a heavy headache, blurry eyes trying to make out of the unfamiliar place in a dimly lit room. Last night was still a blur, but Yuta remembers the lips of the girl in a red dress against his, and that Sicheng told him that he has a boyfriend. The afflicting years of Yuta's unreturned affection, insane love, torn into pieces and burned along with self hate.

 

He was pulled out of his trance when he sensed he wasn't alone in the room, and finds a small figure of a lady sitting on the bed, back turned against him. Yuta couldn't see her face in the dark, and she was another mistake, so he'd rather not to.

 

"I see you're awake." She says, voice low.

 

Lost for words, Yuta remained silent. Mind too blank to even think of a reply.

 

"You were moaning a guy's name, so I figured you were gay and we stopped. Nothing happened."

 

Yuta doesn't know why he let's out a relieved sigh. Was he too smashed that even in a terrible situation would he take that a consolation? "I'm so sorry. I'll go now." Yuta says, standing up.

 

"Grab your clothes on the floor and lock the door when you leave."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hansol couldn't feed him forever, so when Doyoung, a friend from college, offers him a job that wasn't exactly but similar to his profession, Yuta takes it. For six months, Yuta has been working, not his dream job but he could earn for his own at the very least. He thinks it's time to find his own flat, so when Hansol gets home from work one night, he talks to him immediately.

 

"To where? You want me to travel to the next city to nurse a drunk you?" Hansol glowers at him and slumps down on the couch. He was palming his face, as though Yuta had just come up with the worst of idea he'd ever heard anyone says.

 

"But staying here....reminds me of... I don't..." Yuta stummers, unable to say it. The house reminds him completely of everything he wants to forget and move on from, and he knows if he stays even longer, might be the end of him.

 

"Only if you promise you'd stop drinking, which is impossible. Since you do it everyday. Honestly, Yuta, look at yourself. You look so unhealthy, do you even sleep?" Hansol chides.

 

"I'm going to Johnny's apartment. He's far more patient that you are." Yuta stated a matter of factly. Hansol may be tongue-lashing him, but Yuta knows that he's just worried.

 

"Ah, alright. That would do." Hansol looks at Yuta with big eyes, as though that was the most brilliant idea he ever heard anyone says.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Johnny wasn't anything he supposes to be housemates with. He's strict and preferably doesn't care about Yuta, letting him live the drunken lifestyle he'd presumably leave back in Hansol's flat. The state of being high, the liquor, and the cigarettes makes him forget. The condition to which Yuta can sets his mind into blank; nothing to think of, and nothing to worry about.

 

It just happened that on one rainy day when Yuta was coming home from work, he didn't brought any umbrella and he runs to the canopy of a bakery store, waiting for traffic light so he could cross the street. His eyes falls to the familiar figures under a large umbrella, laughing, and fingers interlaced together. Yuta doesn't know why it hurts him. Doesn't know why a blasting of emotion louder than the thunder is stabbing through his chest, travelling to all of him to obliterate him completely.

 

Thought he'd already escaped, dust away all the insecurity and anguish that was in his heart. Yuta is trapped again, with the sorrow and rigor shoving down his throat. He wants to throw up, but there's a strong grip of reality around his neck that makes it impossible.

 

That night, Yuta cries again, all the tears he had to suppress after running away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There had come a day when Yuta had lost it all completely: his job, Johnny's trust on him, and Hansol's patience on him that's used to be unwavering. He doesn't remember when was the day his friends had to rush him to the hospital when he'd collapsed on Johnny's door. He doesn't think much about it either after discovering the doctor's findings that his lungs are in bad condition.

 

So it didn't stop him from his addiction. He noticed the changes when he looks himself in the mirror: pain, skin and bones, and no one to call him handsome anymore. Yuta is certain of throwing his life away; maybe he could slit his wrist, or hang himself in the bathroom when Johnny isn't around, or jump in front a rushing train to make it painful the way Yuta deserves it, and wonders if hell would be warm and welcoming too.

 

Yuta was sitting at the bench on the sidewalk when it started raining. Silly hood of the jacket couldn't protect him from it, and just like Yuta, it was worthless. Yet he couldn't get himself to mind the cold, or the droplets of rain that blinds his eyes. He wonders if his parents miss him, or if his sister would still shout at him for being a stupid, reckless idiot.

 

He closes his eyes, mind too disintegrated to recall any happy memories he'd had with his family. Yuta's existence wasn't the best they wished for him, and his father may not be proud of his finished credential, he wanted Yuta to be a football star that he sees on the T.V, but Yuta knows they love him. His mother would still hug Yuta in her small arms, even if Yuta didn't succeed on entering a football university in college, and tell him that everything's going to be okay. His sister will embrace him too, but would still call him stupid. His little sister would even sing him a song on his birthday.

 

Yuta wishes he wasn't too complicated. By that, he could learn to be capable of loving the people around him without the trepidation of being desolated. He became what he fears the most, alone, isolated from the world, and no one could understand him. Like a dead that's still existing for the sake of his putrid soul that even hell wouldn't welcome.

 

The rain was accompanied with thunderstorms, but Yuta couldn't get himself to be scared. He'd far experience pain more than he could probably just shrug it off if he gets hit by a lightning. The sound of the raindrops and beeping cars became a music, and all Yuta could hear, and someone probably speaking that Yuta couldn't make out of.

 

"Mister, what are you doing in here?"

 

Yuta opens his eyes to see, and his perished world turns upside down again upon seeing the man than stood before him. Maybe it was a dream, and Yuta wonders why was he sent in heaven when all he'd done all this time was to fuck up.

 

"Y--Yuta?"

 

Yuta didn't have enough time to process his actions, not when his heart is hammering on his chest, overwhelmed, or when his lips trembles with the shudder of his bloody. He reaches out for him, hands wrapping around the frail body he'd used to memorized. But somehow it feels new, and Yuta couldn't prevent weeping either, throat stocked up with the hell that he created himself, he's bearing this whole time. "Too late... Am I too late?"

 

"Y--Yuta. Don't."

 

It burns even when the slightest touch on Yuta's chest, to realize that the embrace wasn't permitted. But Yuta is too obtuse, and insist to take his hand. "I'm so sorry for everything." Yuta cries, not asking for forgiveness, but demanding it. He wants everything to be okay, to go back where it used to be, so he could fix all of his mistakes, and make it better than it ever was.

 

"That's enough, Yuta."

 

The impassiveness of the voice made Yuta think it was over. Maybe it's been over all along, but yet there are still arms that embraced him, holds him close, that all his pain have disappeared. That not even the numbing coldness from the rain can hurt his skin anymore. The silence was defeaning, and to beg him to stay wouldn't be the best resolve Yuta could every think after all he'd done, yet he still pleads. "Stay."

 

No answer.

 

"Why do you--you have to resort to Jaehyun?! When it's me that you love?! You love me don't you? I know you still do! Say it!" Yuta cries out.

 

"Yuta,"

 

There's a tinge of waver in his voice, a fragility that Yuta could never fix. And Yuta wonders if he's broken too.

 

"Jaehyun was there when you left me." His voice sounds contented, but that's anything Yuta would want to trust. "When I thought I didn't have any worth, he made me realized that I can be important to other people too. To him. "

 

Jealousy was never a kind feeling. It didn't felt like a slap in the face, or a kick in the stomach, but rather empty. Taeyong stood before him, a man drenched in the rain, because Taeyong will be there for anyone, and not because he was Yuta. He misses the feeling of being significant, when Taeyong cares for him and only looks at him. The fire Yuta had set took everything away, and now all he's left are the ashes of his mistakes, a sickness that can't be cured, a weakness too invincible.

 

Taeyong wasn't just a precious possession he'd forsaken, he's more than that, and always been more than that. And Taeyong's love for him, he took for granted and discarded, is something Yuta could never get back. Yuta loves him, and it hurts because when he realizes it, Taeyong was already gone.

 

Taeyong wouldn't be there to remind him that they'll always have each other, now that everything else is gone. Yuta is buried in his own grave, and no one to dig him up anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
